Ruin Me Read online

  “She made me a playlist,” I mumbled. I peered at Rachel through my peripheral, amused to see her singing along. “I’m trying, Rachel. Look at what she sent me on Christmas Eve.” I handed her my phone as I pulled onto the highway.

  “Feisty little bitch.” She placed my phone in the cupholder. “Do you love her?” I choked at her outburst.

  “What?”

  “Do you love her, Nick?” Her face was soft with concern. I ran my hand through my unkempt hair, keeping my eyes focused on the road. Snow fell in buckets as we made our way down the interstate. My GPS read that we were six hours away from home.

  “Yes,” I finally answered. “I have tried everything to stop myself from feeling this way, but I love her. Seeing that picture of her with Ryan made me sure of it.”

  “She was on drugs in that picture. I’m thinking acid.” I quickly grabbed my phone and pulled the photo up. I zoomed in on her eyes, and then Ryan’s. Their irises were nonexistent.

  “Motherfucker,” I muttered. “I doubt she even remembers sending it.” Rachel let out a chuckle before placing her hand on my shoulder.

  Her voice was soft as she spoke. “You are twenty-eight-years-old, Nick. If you love her, don’t let me stop you from going after what you want. I think this is reckless, and stupid, and completely fucking insane. And I think Elana is way more fit for your lifestyle.” I began to interrupt her when she put her hand in the air. “But,” she began, “I can see how miserable you are. If she is what makes you happy, then you have my blessing.”

  “Your blessing?” I asked, laughing.

  “Yes, Nicholas. I need to tell my boyfriend that I had cancer, and you need to get that devil-eyed girl.”

  Thirty-One

  Hayley

  “So, there’s two parties tonight,” Lacy informed me as she tried on a dress my mother had given her. It was nude, covered in sparkles and clung to her hips. She looked absolutely fantastic. She did a quick twirl, modeling the dress for me. I gave her a quick applaud before turning on my back and staring at the wall. I quietly wondered if Nick had received my text. I had been obsessing over the thought for seven days. “C’mon, Hayley. Go try on that cute black dress your mom gave you. We’re going to these parties tonight, okay?”

  I stood up and crossed the hallway into my room, grabbing the dress. Once it was on, I couldn’t help but feel confident. More than confident. I looked amazing. My curls fell down my shoulders, my eyes popped like an electric blue storm, and my body looked incredible. I walked back into Lacy’s room and watched as her jaw hit the floor. I immediately wanted to go to a party. I was ready for people to see me. I was ready to forget about Nick Foster.

  Ryan and Taylor picked us up around eight and drove us to a dance club that I had seen a hundred times when going to the mall. Once we reached the door, the bouncer stared at my chest, holding up the line. I awkwardly cleared my throat, unsure of what to do. The man soon realized that he was staring and let us inside.

  Blinking lights. Loud music. There was barely any room to breathe. Lacy grabbed my hand and lead me into the bathroom. We locked ourselves in a stall as she pulled out a small, pink baggy. I watched as she snorted powder off of a tiny, compact mirror. I felt my face turn red as I began to protest.

  “Do it,” she demanded, handing me a rolled dollar bill. I was startled by the tone in her voice. I reluctantly inhaled the powder, terrified when a burning sensation began to spread throughout my nose. Water filled my eyes and a funny, stinging taste was left in the back of my throat. Lacy began to giggle and led me back into the room.

  Everything was clear to me in that instant. I could hear the music, the footsteps, the air. I could feel everyone’s body bumping into mine; I could feel their heartbeat as they pressed against me. I could see every light, every smile, every bead of sweat. My heart was racing, my body felt warm and tingly. I felt the urge to rip my clothes off and lie on the floor, as well as dance until my legs fell off.

  I found Ryan and immediately smashed my mouth against his, uncaring of who saw me. I turned myself around and began to dance against him, pressing my behind alongside his groin. He grabbed my waist and encouraged me to continue dancing. I flipped around, staring at the gorgeous boy in front of me. Why had I been so cold towards him in the past? He was beautiful, truly breathtaking. His chest was rock solid, and his hair felt over his eyes in a way that made my palms grow clammy. His green eyes sparkled as he took my bottom lip into his mouth.

  Sweat dripped down my face as I allowed the dance floor to swallow me whole. I could feel, see, and hear everything. The high I was experiencing was something I had never imagined. I felt as if I had hacked into my senses and turned them up to the highest level possible. Ryan pressed his mouth against my neck, sending a warm feeling through my body. He whispered into my ear, asking me if I wanted to go out to the car for a moment. I had never wanted to do anything more in my entire life. He took my hand in his as we walked out of the club and into the parking lot.

  Ryan unlocked the doors to his car, and I climbed into the back, hoping he would follow me. Within seconds he was on top of me, lips pressed against mine. I had never felt more alive in my entire life. This was completely different from the night we did acid. I had been nervous then. Now, I knew what I wanted. Before I knew it, articles of clothing were being tossed to the floor. Ryan began to remove the final piece of clothing when my phone began to ring. I tried to ignore it, but my mind was racing a million miles a minute. I ended the call and allowed Ryan’s hands to travel down my stomach. He pressed his lips against the last piece of fabric on me, sending fire through my body.

  My phone rang again, and again, and again. He sprinkled kisses down my thigh, sending moans out of my mouth. He hooked his fingers around my panties, pulling them down. My phone demanded to be heard, ringing louder than before.

  “Holy shit,” Ryan groaned. “Just pick it up.” I quickly sat up and began looking for it under the scattered clothes. Once I located it, I realized that I had seven missed calls, all from the same number. I called it back, ignoring Ryan’s protests. “Tell whoever it is to fuck off.” I put my fingers to his lips, straining to hear the other end.

  “Hayley?” The voice asked me. My breath immediately caught in my throat. I held the phone in front of my face and checked the time. It was a little bit past ten. When had it gotten so late? “Are you there?”

  “Yes, I’m here,” I responded. I could barely speak. Why was he calling me? My brain was spinning, my body was becoming too hot. I wanted to get out of the car, but I remembered I was naked. Ryan continued to groan and complain.

  “Can you come to work? We’re fucking slammed. I really need you here, Hayley.”

  Thirty-Two

  Nick

  I nervously paced around in the office, terrified that I had made a mistake. Rachel and I had spent our long car ride discussing me getting Hayley back, but nothing prepared me for that phone call. She had been out of breath, and I could vaguely hear Ryan’s voice in the background. The thought of them having sex set my teeth on edge.

  The bell at the front of the store went off, notifying me that someone had arrived. I made my way to the door, surprised to feel it push against me. I grabbed Hayley’s shoulders as she fell into the room.

  “You said this place was busy.” Her voice was accusatory.

  “I lied,” I murmured. We both realized I was still holding her, and she quickly shoved me away. I caught a glimpse of her eyes and put my hand against her face, gently facing her towards me. “Are you on drugs?”

  “No.” Her tone was defensive.

  “Your pupils are gigantic,” I told her. I watched as her breath caught in her throat. “What are you on?” I asked, worry plaguing my body. This was the second time in a week that she had done something like this. Was I the reason? She quickly walked out of the room and sat on the floor, legs sprawled in an awkward position. Heat washed over me as I caught a glimpse of her panties. “What’re you doing?” I took a seat be
side hers, leaning my head against the ground.

  “It was powder,” she informed me. “Molly, I think.” Her teeth made a terrible grinding noise.

  “That is a very intense drug,” I whispered. She took her bottom lip between her teeth. “You’re biting your lip, Hayley.” She lazily stared into my eyes.

  “You are a very handsome man. God, I want to sit on your face again.” A choking noise escaped my mouth. “This carpet is comfortable, too. I’ll just sit on that instead.” I let out a weak chuckle, attempting to push the images of her naked body out of my mind. She placed her hand against my groin and bit her lip again.

  “Hayley,” I warned. I sat up and away from her. She mimicked my actions and positioned herself in front of me. Our faces were too close; I couldn’t think straight. I wanted her. I needed her. But not while she was on drugs. Her lips pressed against mine as she wrestled with my belt.

  “Dammit Hayley!” I shouted, running my hands through my hair. I slowly backed away as I questioned, “Do you not understand how fucking illegal this is? Not to mention you’re on drugs.” I leaned my head against the wall and sighed audibly. “I will not go to jail for you, Hayley.” My voice came out strained.

  “Why did you ask me to come here?” she asked, standing up. She made my way over to me slowly; timidly. “You have been actively avoiding me for weeks. I don’t understand you. You help me pass my test, make out with me on multiple occasions, and then completely ghosted me. You’ve kissed me before, remember? You’ve touched me before, remember?”

  “Stop it,” I warned. “I don’t want you to look back on this in ten years and think of me as the man who took advantage of you. We are ten years apart in age. When you were ten, I was twenty. You are on drugs, Hayley. Do you not understand the consequences that come with this? You may want this now, but your mindset could drastically change. And then what?”

  “I know what I want,” she snapped, licking her lips. I reached into my pocket and handed her my Chapstick.

  “Do you?” I asked. “A few months ago, you believed that you wanted your best friend to live with you. And now that she does, you want nothing to do with her. Once you got what you wanted you changed your mind. You resent her. You think poorly of her. What happens when that happens to you with me? What are you going to do with that anger, that…that resentment?”

  “It’s not like that,” she argued. “She continuously puts me in these awful positions with Taylor.” I narrowed my eyes towards her as she made my point. “I would never hurt you like that. I would never ruin you.”

  “Then don’t ask me to ruin you,” I whispered.

  Before I could stop myself, my mouth was inside hers. Our tongues intertwined as she let out a throaty moan. She wrapped her arms around my neck as I picked her up, pressing her against a rack of movies. She squeezed against me as my lips travelled down her neck. I carried her into DVD room before slamming the door shut and locking it. I ripped my shirt off before clearing off the desk, papers spilling everywhere. Hayley lifted her arms in the air, prompting me to remove her outfit. I greedily removed it, face to face with her breasts.

  “Holy shit,” I murmured before removing her bra. I caught her breasts between my teeth as she arched her back in need. I unbuckled my belt as she bit her bottom lip. She ran her hands over my chest, outlining my stomach with her fingers.

  “Why have I never seen you without a shirt on?” she panted. “I need you, Nick.” I reached into my back pocket, retrieving a golden package. I climbed overtop of her, kicking off my pants in the process. I brought the package to my mouth, ripping it open with my teeth.

  “Wait!” Hayley shouted. I quickly jumped off of the table.

  “What did I do?” I asked, my voice three octaves higher than normal.

  “I’m…I have something to tell you.” Sweat dripped from my eyebrow as I waited for her to continue. When she didn’t, I let out an exasperated groan. “I…I’m a virgin.”

  Shock filled my body at her confession. A virgin? How could I have missed this? The thought of Hayley being a virgin had never even crossed my mind. She had always seemed so sure of herself. And she was always with Ryan; I had assumed they had slept together. I slipped back into my clothes before placing her dress against her exposed body.

  “Get dressed,” I told her. “I’m going to take you home.” My voice came out cold and complacent.

  “They’re going to know something is wrong with me,” she cried. “I can’t go home while I’m this messed up.” Worry consumed me as her breathing intensified. “They’re going to kill me, Nick.” Her body trembled underneath my gaze. My brain began to wage war against itself.

  “What do you want me to do, Hayley? I can’t let you stay here.”

  “Drop me off at another hotel. Or, let me stay at―”

  “No.” More tears entered her eyes. “I’m taking you home, Hayley. Get your shit.” With that, I left her alone in the office.

  Thirty-Three

  Hayley

  Once I had my dress back on, I opened the door and found Nick waiting by the front of the store. He opened the door for me as I quickly walked outside, ignoring the wintry weather that bit at my ankles. I watched as he locked the store up, frowning when he lifted his arm up and pressed the UNLOCK button on his keys. I threw the front door open and crossed my arms over my chest like a child. After a few minutes, Nick came into his car. He started it without saying a word to me.

  Once we pulled out of the parking lot, he noticed how cold I was. He immediately turned the heat up and removed his jacket. I mumbled a quick “thanks” and slid my arms through the sleeves. After a few agonizing moments he finally spoke.

  “Are you going to get in trouble?” he asked me. I shrugged my shoulders. “Hayley.”

  “Stop talking to me like we’re friends,” I snapped. My vision became distorted but I shook it off. “Stop acting like you give a fuck and just take me home.” He slammed on his breaks and threw his door open. I looked around, terrified. Where were we? Once I realized we were pulled off on the side of the road I opened my door, nervous.

  “Get back in the car,” he demanded. I ignored him.

  “What are you doing?” I asked. I was still speeding; I wanted to run as fast as I could.

  “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Hayley. Just get back in the car, please.” Pain laced each word as they left his mouth. I did as he asked and waited for what seemed to be a lifetime until he returned. He reversed away from the curb and continued down the road, his silence deafening.

  After what felt like the world’s longest drive, the car finally stopped. The sky was too dark for me to see where I was. Panic consumed me as I struggled to unbuckle my seatbelt. The car door flew open and I met Nick’s gaze. He gently helped me out of the car and led me to the front door of an apartment I had never seen before.

  “Where are we?” I asked.

  “My place.” He unlocked the front door and I followed him inside. I wasn’t sure if this was real or if the drugs had completely taken over. He instructed me to sit on the couch while he grabbed me a glass of water. The couch I was sitting on was leather and I kept feeling as if I were going to slide off and die. I looked at my surroundings, drinking it in. His home was immaculate; nothing was out of place. “Stop biting down on your teeth, Hayley.” I hadn’t even noticed I was still doing that.

  “Why didn’t you take me home?” I asked.

  “You look like you’re on drugs,” he informed me. “I don’t want you getting into any trouble.” I nodded my head and took a long drink of the water he had gotten me. “You do understand why I didn’t want you coming here, right?”

  “Because I’m a virgin,” I mumbled. This made him angry.

  “No, Hayley. You don’t get it, do you?” I stayed quiet. “This is wrong, Hayley. The conversations we’ve had are wrong. You being here is wrong. I just―”

  “Why didn’t you just take me home then? If this is so wrong, why didn’t you just take me hom
e and let me deal with the consequences. Why are you so obsessed with how wrong this is?”

  “Do you not understand how illegal this is?” he asked.

  “Of course I do! I’m not an idiot, okay? I understand that this breaks the law and you could lose your job, but I―”

  “You’re asking me to put my job…my life, at risk. For what, Hayley?” Emotions were surfacing and I began to fear that I was going to say something I would regret. I stood up and ran into the closest room I could find. I slammed the door and locked it, hoping he would leave me alone for the rest of the night.

  He was right; I was being selfish. I was asking him to put his entire career at risk just because I wanted him to sleep with me. I was eighteen-years-old; barely an adult. I had no real-life experience; I had never even had sex before. I was just another young girl yearning for his attention.

  “Hayley,” Nick said softly. “Let me in.” I moved off the ground and opened the door for him. He walked over to the bed and patted his hand on it, signaling me to sit beside him. He walked towards the closet and pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. He turned around as I stripped out of my dress and into his clothes. They were baggy but extremely comfortable.

  “Thank you,” I murmured. “I’m sorry for everything tonight. I didn’t realize how selfish I was being.” Tears entered my eyes again.

  “You need to sleep, Hayley. Just lie down and go to bed.” He stood up to walk away when I grabbed his arm. “What?”

  “Please don’t leave me alone,” I whispered. “I can’t be alone right now.” He ran his hand through his hair and then sat down on his bed beside me. “We can just talk, okay? I have a lot of energy right now.”

  He eyed me suspiciously before letting out a long sigh. “Just talking.” He warned. “Where do you see yourself in ten years?”

  With you, I wanted to say. Instead, I racked my brain for another answer. “Probably designing clothes with my mom.”